


How to Move on from Losing Everything

by i_dalliance



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Childbirth, Destroy Ending, Emotional Hurt, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Canon, Post-Mass Effect 3, Pregnant Shepard (Mass Effect), Suicidal Thoughts, platonic breakups
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-18
Updated: 2020-06-23
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:35:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24794743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/i_dalliance/pseuds/i_dalliance
Summary: You shoot something and then you try again.-----------------------------------It's been years after the Reapers were destroyed and Garrus can't help but regret a few things with his long time friend. It wasn't intentional but he needed to make it up to Shepard, prove that he wanted to be in her life again.He'd follow her anywhere, it was time to prove it.
Relationships: Female Shepard/Garrus Vakarian
Comments: 17
Kudos: 57





	1. Surprised in a Few Ways

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will preface this by saying if you have fears of people leaving you this might not be for you. This is based on a dream I had just last night and I'm still upset about it.
> 
> Some characters could arguably be out of character but I've just had so many friends drift away that I wanted to write more on that.
> 
> Tali and Garrus were never in a relationship in this.

Garrus froze, his hand just inches away from the metal of the door. He wasn’t sure where to start. How do you apologize to a friend that you decided to answer their message later and then a few years passed with nothing? He wasn’t even going to go this far, just send a message until he asked around and none of them could tell him exactly how Shepard was.

Tali refused to answer when he asked and Liara just shrugged, giving him a general area on the Citadel before returning to working on her book with Javik. A bad feeling grew in his gut, pushing Garrus to use his C-SEC skills and connections for the first time since the war ended.

Taking a deep breath he figured the first step to apologise and reconnect was knocking on the door.

His first knocked against the metal hard, stepping back for a second while he waited. He heard shuffling towards the door, his visor reading her heat signature move closer before resting at the door and peering at him through the peephole.

A new sense of anxiety filled him, wondering if he had the right place. He was about eighty per cent sure this was Shepard’s apartment but he couldn't help but doubt now he was here.

He was debating just leaving when he suddenly heard a physical lock shift. Then another and another. That anxiety began to ebb away, very few people besides Shepard had reason to be paranoid like that.

The door opened slightly, Shepard’s eye peering through the slit as she stared him down.

“Garrus?”

“Who else could it be?” He tried being light-hearted but there was a lack of something in the way she looked at him that made him uneasy.

“My groceries?”

“I’m sorry to disappoint then,” he tried to keep the worry from his voice, “Mind if I come in?”

She just looked at him, clearly thinking it over before taking a step away from the door. He was certain that it would shut again and that would be the end of this, a possibility he couldn’t help but think of.

Instead, the door opened fully, Shepard adjusting her cardigan as she walked into the apartment. Garrus stepped inside and the door closed behind him, the sound of those locks automatically twirling shut.

It was clear that Shepard had lived here for a while. Touches of her personality were shining through wherever he looked, there were half-done models on the table and it looked like she was branching out from ships to various figures. Of those finished, he noticed Primarch Victus on the shelf, as well as Wrex and Bakara. The only thing he couldn’t see was anything of the Normandy or any of the crew besides Wrex and judging on how he had to find her he was starting to get a guilty premonition of why.

She was absent-mindedly looking at a Geth Colossus leg and that’s when he noticed the way her stomach was round and firm.

“Spirits,” he didn’t like the guilt that washed over him, that Shepard was pregnant and no one seemed to have noticed.

He deserved the hard look she gave him, her hand resting on her stomach. He couldn’t figure out the swirl of emotions inside of him, moving from heavy and dark to a light sickness that filled his chest to sorrow that spread to every bone in his body.

“The father?” he asked, his head floating a million miles away to find himself squarely back in his body.

“There isn’t one.”

He wasn’t sure if he deserved to feel the anger that filled him but Shepard deserved better than to be abandoned by everyone. She must have heard the growl that built inside of him as her eyes widened.

“Fuck, Garrus,” she said, “It’s a sperm donors. The father, if we’re even going to consider him one, is just a dude who jizzed in a cup.”

The heat of his anger disappeared as well as that sickly feeling that grasped his heart. She just sighed and rubbed the bridge of her nose, a sad longing look on her face while she stared back at the Colossus leg.

“How far along?” he tried asking casually, hand resting on his hip to drop again as he second-guessed it.

“Three months.”

He hummed, making a mental note to look up how long humans were pregnant. Shepard flexed the leg, watching the way the joints moved.

“Why are you here Garrus?”

He didn’t know where to start. His reason for dropping off the map or just apologizing that she’d drifted so far from everyone and it seemed like no one did anything.

“I’m sorry,” he decided on saying first, “I didn’t mean to stop talking, I just got busy then it was years later. I know it’s not a good reason but that’s why. I missed you though, I should have tried sooner.”

She sniffled and she rubbed her eyes while muttering, “Fucking hormones.”

She seemed to relax finally putting down that leg. He took a step forward and then jumped with surprise as someone knocked on the door again.

“Ma’am?” a young voice rang out, drell if he could guess by the tone of the voice, “I’m here with your groceries.”

Shepard made her way back to the entranceway and Garrus kept a close pace behind her. She opened the door and he was glad to see his guess was right, a drell was there with bags in her hands. She looked no older than Kolyat when he first met Thane’s son, a smile on her face as she greeted Shepard. Her smile faltered a little as she noticed him standing there, looking to Shepard for answers.

“Just an old friend,” was all she said and the drell perked up again.

“That’s good to hear,” she said, Garrus intercepting the bags and taking them to the kitchen for Shepard to hear a faint, “I was getting worried about you.”

He placed the bags on the table, awkwardly pulling things out of the bag. He barely noticed what he put on the counter, freezing with a container of something cold in his hands as Shepard walked into the kitchen.

He just watched her as she put her groceries away. Garrus awkwardly put the container down, feeling the condensation on his hands still.

“What happened Shepard?” he finally asked that question that nagged him since he started looking for her.

“With the pregnancy?” she drawled sarcastically, “Well you see Garrus when…”

“No,” he said, pondering whether to take his question back, "With everyone.”

She froze, her hands resting on the latch of the fridge before closing it shut. She leaned against the counter with her eyes closed until finally saying.

“I don’t know, not with everyone at least,” she said, “Jok… Moreau is angry that I decided to destroy the Reapers knowing it would kill EDI, Tali realized that if the fleet hadn’t stood down I would have chosen the Geth and hasn’t spoken to me after we fought. Most just drifted away. Kaidan hasn’t talked to me since everyone visited me in the hospital after the war.”

His hands tensed, puzzle pieces fitting together to make an ugly picture.

“Liara just got more impersonal until she just wasn’t a friend anymore. I think Javik sees me as a reminder of the war. I don’t know where the rest of them are, it was just a lot of people leaving and I still don’t have answers for most of them.”

He watched her hands tighten, her fingernails digging into the flesh of her palm. She didn’t say what group she thought he was until today. How many people did she try to maintain friendships with until it wore her down, no wonder she sent nothing after he stopped talking.

“I just think the Reapers were why we were friends,” she said, sadness brewing inside of Garrus at how lost she sounded, “What was keeping us together once it was over?”

He reached out, certain that if he didn’t his sadness would creep out into his voice, wrapping his fingers around Shepard’s palm. He tried to not think about how tight her grip was, thumb rubbing against her skin as he pushed through his feelings.

“I’m here now, Shepard,” was all he could say, his mandibles twitching with that heavy feeling in his chest.

He didn’t think she believed him, too used to rejection that it made her heart cold. Shepard rubbed her stomach while mulling things over.

“I won’t be for long,” she finally admitted, “my doctor is moving and I’m moving to stay with her.”

“You trust her more than Chakwas or Michel?”

“Human childbirth is still risky Garrus,” she said, “Michel’s a general practitioner while Chakwas’ specialized in military wounds. They wouldn’t accept me for this, I need an OB-GYN and I trust this one, she’s done a lot for me.”

He squeezed her hand, refusing to believe after everything that a child might be the reason for her death. She gnawed at her bottom lip as Garrus looked at her.

“Where are you moving to?”

She hummed as she looked at him, a twinkle in her eyes as she looked at him. She pulled her hand away and Garrus felt a bit ashamed of the whine that left him before she finally said.

“You know what, Mr Hot-Shot Detective,” she leaned on her hip, “I’ll give you a clue, and let’s see if you can find me again.”

He tried not to think about this test she devised, it seemed she was only making sure his words to return to her.

He knew it was easier to build up walls rather than hope.

“You’re being mean to me,” he sighed casually, “But sure, give me your hint.”

“Earth, NA, isolated.”

* * *

Garrus tapped his desk absent-mindedly. Despite knowing the planet he couldn’t just go to Earth. It was a large planet. He figured out what NA meant but that only narrowed it down to an entire continent. She wasn’t in the cities so he could rule out some places by the isolated clue but he felt a looming time limit.

He wanted to be there to help her during her pregnancy. Judging from what he found looking it up she would need it. It seemed almost nonsensical in an evolutionary sense, that producing children could cause such injury to the mother whether it goes well or not.

Humans were like that, surviving despite the odds.

He wondered if he could find her doctor but even assuming that she wasn’t going to another ward for her checkups the amount of OB-GYNs on that ward alone was incredibly high. Due to privacy laws, there were no records for him to look at, especially considering how much security they must be giving Shepard.

There must be another way, he figured, a month after Shepard had left. Her stomach just kept growing every time he visited, the two of them trading quips instead of talking

There was something he missed, mulling over any clue that might help. He mentally went through her apartment again, seeing if there wasn’t a pamphlet or even just something she mentioned.

He was staring at her bookshelf when it finally hit him.

In all of what she said what happened to her with their friends she never mentioned anything about Wrex. While he could just assume that he just drifted away without anything there was something that disproved it.

Her apartment was empty of any reminders of those who left, not even a photo of the Normandy crew beyond those who had died, except for one model figure carrying a shotgun.

Wrex.

Spirits he was an idiot, his head fell into his hands, of course, Wrex never left.

That krogan was more loyal than the rest of them.

There was no time to waste, Garrus thought as he called up Wrex, with the state of things still it might be a month until he could get to Earth. He’d wasted enough time trying to figure things out, that kid would be born before he got there.

“Vakarian?” Wrex’s voice was neutral, Garrus suddenly feeling awkward knowing what he knew about Shepard.

“I have a question.”

“What a surprise,” Wrex’s voice was dry, a bit of humour rumbling in his deep voice.

“Where’s Shepard?”

The krogan went silent and Garrus checked to see if the call had been dropped. Seeing that green symbol bouncing around he just leaned back and waited.

“What’s it to you,” the krogans voice was cool.

“She told me to find her,” he shrugged, unwilling to lay all his cards on the table yet, “I just need a bit more to do it.”

“What makes you think I’d know?”

“She has a model figure of you,” he said simply, “Nothing of anyone else from the Normandy but you. It wasn’t hard to figure out.”

“She left a month ago, must have taken some time.”

“So you do know?” he pushed and he heard the krogan sigh, the sounds of him shifting coming through his omni-tool.

“Did you know this is her third attempt at a kid?” Wrex said, his voice still and Garrus couldn’t help the thrum of pain for Shepard rumble in his sub-vocals, “I didn’t even know she was trying until she lost the second. She called me and only asked what you do when you’ve lost everything but I could see it. I’ve grown up surrounded by that pain.”

Garrus said nothing, not trusting his voice.

“I’m telling you this for your own benefit,” Wrex said, “You pull away again I’ll rip out your damn fringe with my bare hands.”

“Understood,” Garrus didn’t say it but he’d let Wrex do it if it came to that.

“There’s this little village in British Columbia that’s really pretty this time of year,” Wrex finally said, “Really if you just matched moving records with a cottage near the Okanagan Valley you’d be able to see what I’m talking about.”

“Thanks, Wrex,” he said, pulling up moving companies on the Citadel that went to Earth.


	2. Galaxy's Biggest Fools

Wrex wasn’t lying, Okanagan valley really was beautiful. Whether it was a function of the calendar or just constantly full of verdant plants he couldn’t confirm. That anxiety came back in full force, instantly doubting the work he put into this. Although he always had doubts he’d been like this since the end of the war, where every decision had him deciding millions of lives. Now he couldn’t stop those thoughts from popping up, that if he did something wrong then things would go horribly wrong.

It’s why he decided on a desk job after the war, that and his therapist thought the peaceful monotony would be good to bring his mind out of those darker moments. He sometimes worried that it was those dark times that caused him to forget to message Shepard. It was hard enough to see his family worry during those times that it may have lead to him hurting a friend was enough to start that dark feeling in his chest that quickly would spiral out of control.

He focused on some mental exercises his therapist suggested, listing what good things might happen, what bad things might, or what was really the most realistic.

The good end was that he found Shepard.

The bad was he was wrong and he just disturbed someone else. In which case he’d apologise and then stress about Shepard somewhere else.

While his thoughts often turned to something else the most likely situation was that he found Shepard.

He was so sure as he pieced it together, there being next to no other possibilities if Wrex was telling the truth and he trusted Wrex to tell the truth. It wasn’t until he touched ground that he immediately froze with his thoughts.

The gravel of the road crunched under his feet as he moved from the taxi and headed up the road. No one really paid him much attention, a lot of other species stayed on Earth after the war. Insects rumbled in the grass around him while he passed a mailbox, glancing down at the address before heading up to the cottage peeking through the trees.

The sun was warm on his fringe and a light breeze rustled the leaves around him. As the shadows of the foliage trailed around him he could see why people stayed, there was a peace washing over at the gentle sounds.

He saw her figure and the words froze in his chest. The breeze rustled the light yellow dress she was wearing. Her hair was pulled up and topped with a hat that Garrus thought was made of dried yellow grass.

He took a deep breath before walking closer, Shepard turning around at the sound of someone walking through gravel. She dropped her trowel, easing herself up to look at Garrus. He quickly made her way to her but froze as he noticed tears streaming down her face.

He awkwardly patted her shoulder, waiting for her to sniffle and clean her face.

“I didn’t think you’d actually come,” she finally choked out.

He couldn’t say anything to that. Instead, he just shifted his bag onto the ground to pull her into an awkward hug. Her body shifted a bit and Garrus just rested his hand on her back.

“I guess this is a good time to ask if you have a spare bedroom,” his voice was awkward but he choked out the words, “I don’t want to leave you alone.”

“You don’t have to.”

“Shepard,” he felt like he was being squeezed through a tube the way his mind raced, “If something happens. What if you fall down the stairs and I wasn’t here… I’d…”

His hands moved to his face as he rubbed his damaged mandible. She just watched him, her face unreadable.

He took a deep breath, centring himself before continuing, “I worry about you. I worry about a lot of things. I can’t _not_ be here.”

“Don’t you work?”

“They’re letting me work from Earth,” he said, “I’m told the change in scenery might be good for me and it’s only paperwork I’m doing anyway.”

She pinched her eyebrows together before giving a nod. He felt some relief, his hands no longer threatening to shake.

* * *

He found himself suddenly awake, the sound of retching coming from the bathroom. His mind roared with possibilities, wondering if that was actually sobbing and something happened. He found himself by the door, swallowing his fears to open it to see Shepard vomiting into the toilet.

“You okay?” he said, kneeling down next to her with a hand on her back.

“Just sick,” she said, “Been sick the whole fucking pregnancy.”

He hummed and started rubbing her back, hearing her sigh. He wondered how comfortable she was sitting like that, her back twisted awkwardly to allow room for the swell of her stomach.

“Need anything?” he wasn’t sure what to do.

“Some water,” she said as she reached up to flush the toilet, “Maybe some help up?”

His arm reached around her waist to ease her up, Garrus immediately squashing down that feeling Shepard brought in him at such an intimate action. He shifted her up and waited until she wasn’t wobbly before filling up one of the cups with water.

She swished the water around her mouth, spitting into the sink then rinsing it out. She took a few sips on water, Garrus rubbing her back absent-mindedly while feeling the way her skin rose with tiny bumps.

“Your hands are warm,” she softly said, her eyes half-closed with exhaustion while leaning into his grip.

“I think I’m just warmer in general.”

"It’s fucking nice on my mess of a back.”

“You’re going to have to curb that mouth of yours,” Garrus teased her and the corner of her eyes twinkled, “You’re going to be a mother soon.”

“Not soon enough,” she sighed, “I want this demon out of me, keeping me up and kicking like it’s the World Cup.”

The two of them made their way back out into the hall, her hand grasping his arm, “I don’t really know what the World Cup is.”

“Sports tournament, for soccer which is a game where you can only use your feet with the ball.”

He hummed, treasuring the pressure each finger pushed into his plates. He felt empty when she pulled away to go to her own room. He only stood outside her closed for a few minutes before returning to his own room, his head swirling while he tried to go back to sleep.

* * *

The two of them made their way through the trail, Garrus kept an eye on the incline and making sure she didn’t fall. She’d sat up after eating breakfast and immediately put her straw hat on insisting that she needed to get out of the house.

Garrus immediately froze at that, his mind racing as he remembered just how much dangerous wild-life was in the area. Bile filled his throat at the thought of her being dragged off and eaten.

He took a deep breath, steadying himself before dressing in civvies and latching a gun to his side.

Concern was acceptable, his therapist once said, freezing over it does nothing.

Focus on what you can do, Garrus, not the bad.

Her sundress fluttered in the wind as she grasped his arm to slowly ease herself down where the trail dropped a foot. Garrus swept the foliage with his visor, seeing nothing of notice. The bell she clipped to both her and his chest jingled with the movement, according to Shepard it was to keep animals away.

He didn’t know how much stock to put into that but Shepard reassured him most of Earth’s native wildlife usually wanted nothing to do with humans.

The trees just suddenly stopped around them as they found themselves in a meadow. The grass and flowers moved in the breeze and he was suddenly reminded of the sea.

He turned to look at Shepard and her eyes were wide and bright, her mouth opened a little in amazement. His chest rumbled a little at the sight, these last few weeks had indulged some of his deepest fantasies with her.

“Come on,” she said, grabbing his hand and pulling him along.

She moved up next to the flowers, her hands on her thighs as she bent down to grab a few flowers. He picked a few of his own, hoping that she wasn’t looking for anything in particular.

“I used to do this as a child,” her voice was soft as she plucked the flowers by the stem to add to her growing pile, “My friends and I would go to a meadow just behind our cabin to pick flowers. Our hands and clothes would be covered in mud and pollen, oh the scolding we got. Kept doing it though.”

She never really talked of Mindoir, the only thing he’d ever heard was the pain in her voice as they went through a ravaged Eden Prime. She’d hidden from everyone after that, no one sure what to do.

But these were good memories.

“My mother grew flowers,” he shared one of his own, “She’d pick a full basket of them then when my dad was sleeping, she’d cover him with them. He’d pretend to be mad and she’d pretend not to know what he was talking about but there was always a softness in his voice.”

She shifted her leg’s down to sit on the ground, patting the grass next to her for Garrus. He followed suit, shifting his leg spurs to sit comfortably.

“One second,” she said, grabbing a flower with a particularly long stem.

She picked up a few more, her fingers began to twine the stems around each other. He watched enthralled as the chain grew, the various colours blending together beautifully. She gave an approving hum when it trailed across both her knees and she tied it into a circle.

His chest ached with longing as she placed it on his head and he couldn’t help but give into an impulse he had all the time with these intimate moments with Shepard, one that came when his eyes grew soft and he thought she was beautiful beyond measure.

His hand gently grasped the back of her head and he pushed his forehead against hers. The air around them seemed to freeze and she shifted to crawl closer to him, her swollen stomach brushing against his carapace.

Her lips were against his and a selfish part of him yearned that she felt the same way he did about her. That they were two fools hopelessly in love with each other for years to only realise it now.

His arms were around her waist as the two of them pressed together Shepard kissing him again and again. He felt her hand on his back with her other cupping his scarred cheek with her thumb moving painfully tenderly against it.

He tasted salt and he pulled away instinctively to see her crying. His hands froze but she refused to let him go, hand moving to grasp his shirt as she rested her head on his chest.

“We’re fools, aren’t we?” her voice was soft and full of longing, a part of Garrus’ brain trying to deny it was for him.

“The galaxy’s biggest,” he said, ignoring the doubts to nuzzle his mouth against her forehead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think they'd probably have more than just PTSD after the war though I guess Mental illnesses are really good at feeding into each other. 
> 
> Just there's no way that constantly having to juggle which decision causes a worse outcome wouldn't mess with your ability to make decisions afterwards. The next chapter will focus more on Shepards.


	3. New Beginnings in Many Ways

He felt Shepard breathe against his carapace, her fingers absent-minded fiddling with one of the shirt’s clasps. He felt Shepard shift against his arm she was laying on, her stomach settling into the curve of his chest before she reached out to grab his hand. She pressed a kiss into his palm and his began to gently stroke her waist.

“What are you expecting?” his mouth pressed against her forehead before she felt his tongue gently drag against the skin.

“Human mostly,” she said with a small smile, feeling a huff of air on her forehead as he chuckled.

“Just for it to be healthy?” he suggested, that’s all he wanted at this point.

“I just want it to have a full life,” she said while looking up at him, “This child could be anything, do anything. No matter what they’ll have influence on the world, their actions will have meaning.”

His hand moved to her stomach, feeling the baby kick against his hand. He understood, there was something so beautiful about the infinite potential of life.

“Though I’m a bit mad,” she hummed, nose buried into his chest, “I spent thousands of credits on a maternity pillow and your turian ass is a lot more comfortable.”

“Rookie mistake Shepard,” He teased her and she just rolled her eyes at him.

She pushed herself up and he followed, supporting her body as best he could. She pressed kisses against his chin, looking up at him.

“You know I was being serious,” Shepard said, “A child is a lot of work. I don’t want you to feel obligated just because you care about me.”

They’d been incredibly awkward after returning from the meadow, Garrus putting the flower crown somewhere safe before it rushed over both of them what had happened.

Garrus was immediately filled with doubts - he didn’t know if they were even physically compatible, what if he hurt her, what if he hurt her and then she miscarried - it hurt, even more, to see doubts on Shepard’s face before she hid away in her room.

Those next few days were painful.

They’d alternate between desperately pulling each other close when they saw each other, their hands desperate to feel each other as they kissed intently then to pull away and isolate themselves on opposite ends of the house. He thought a lot during those times apart, physically aching for Shepard’s presence as he looked up how exactly this could work.

After a few days it finally became too much and they finally just talked to each other. Garrus told Shepard he wanted to wait to be physical. He cared for her deeply, he wanted to make sure they were both prepared and he didn’t hurt her by rushing things.

What Shepard said rocked him to his core, telling him that he didn’t need a father yet if he didn’t want to be. She’d made this decision, she didn’t want him to push himself into a role he didn’t want. They could work something out.

He stuttered something about wanting this but he was sure she didn’t entirely believe him.

“I know,” Garrus said, he breathed to try sort his words out properly this time, “This isn’t something I feel I should do. I want to be here, I wanted to be here before we had all of this.”

“I have my bad days, I have difficulties making decisions. There’s this nagging voice in my head that things are just supposed to go wrong, that people will get hurt no matter how good it seems. I don’t have that here, I’ve never been this sure in years.”

“No Shepard without Vakarian?”

“Always,” he said pressing his lips against hers and she leant into his kiss.

* * *

“Garrus,” Shepard shook him and he groaned, half asleep as he reached for her hand and grabbed it.

She laughed and he couldn’t help but smile, feeling her lips against his forehead, “C’mon Garrus. Get up.”

“What is it Shepard?” he opened his eyes to see her staring down at him.

She radiated joy, the biggest grin on her face while hair had dishevelled wisps flying from it. He felt captivated by the sight of her, letting her pull him out of bed.

“You’re going to miss it,” he didn’t know what she was talking about, too giddy to say or do anything but pull him into the yard.

He went to turn on the outdoor lights and she shook her head, instead carefully walking down the porch steps with her hand on the rail. Garrus just stood there, yawning while he waited for Shepard to show him exactly why she brought him here.

Her legs rustled against the plants of the garden, her pace careful as she trailed her hand across the branches of some of the shrubbery. He was about to asked where to look when the words froze in his chest as tiny wisps of light gently moved up from the plants into the air.

They moved around her, flickering in and out as they drifted lazily. She raised her hands to cup one of them while Garrus stood there enraptured by her figure lit up by the lights.

“Spirits,” his voice was quiet, his feet carrying him to her, “What are they?”

“They’re insects,” she said, showing him the one on her finger, its end lighting up, “Called fireflies, or lightning bugs depending on where you are.”

One of them landed in her hair and he gently shook it out, watching it splutter around between the pair of them. His hand stayed in her hair, tenderly brushing it out. Garrus shifted closer to her before pulling one of the tresses forward to brush his lips against it.

“See,” she smiled at him, her body pulling close to his and he buried his face into the top of her and just breathed her scent in.

His chest rumbled as his sub-vocals hummed with adoration. Her fingers were splayed on his chest and all he could smell was her, nuzzling his face deeper into the strands.

“I love you,” he confessed softly, feeling her grip tighten on him.

She didn’t say anything, he didn’t need her to. He knew exactly how she felt, from the moment she’d placed the crown on his head.

* * *

He woke up to Shepard’s weight shifting on the bed, barely paying it any notice. It wasn’t unusual for her to get up several times a night to waddle to the bathroom. Then he heard a sniffle and he was immediately up, looking at Shepard in concern.

Her back was to him, sitting on the bed. He watched her shoulders shift in the moonlight, sobbing quietly. An eternity passed as he reached out, finally touching the small of her back and feeling her jump slightly.

“I’m sorry Garrus,” she choked out and he started to hum reassuringly, rubbing her back, “I wasted so much time.”

The smell of salt permeated the air and pressed into his nose. It was an oppressive scent and Garrus couldn’t help but whine at seeing Shepard so upset.

“What…” he said while pushing himself up, keeping that hand on her the best he could.

“I’ve loved you for years,” her head shifted and he could see the torrent of tears down her face, her eyes red and puffy, “I wanted to tell you on the Collector mission but I just couldn’t.”

He froze, his breath in his chest as he couldn’t help but imagine what they could have had. He would have gone to her room before the suicide mission, maybe bought her the best wine he could to give her all that he had.

“You could have been there. Through everything. We could have spent the war in each other's arms. You could have been to the doctor meetings, picked baby clothes. _We_ could have grieved the two I lost.”

He pushed himself out of his thoughts to sit next to her, rubbing her back as she cried even harder. She looked at him, tears still welling in the corner of her eyes.

“We lost so much time, just because I’m a coward.”

“Why didn’t you?”

There was something darker here, Garrus thought, that pushed her to this.

“I was supposed to die.”

His hand stilled as he looked at her, a dark feeling rumbling deep inside of him at the confession.

“In the final battle,” she said, “I always just assumed I would die. Cerberus brought me back to defeat the Reapers, why continue living once they were gone.”

His mouth opened, words stuttering in his mouth as he just made a soft noise.

“I love you so much,” the tears finally seemed to stall, fewer of them streaming down her face, “How could I do that to you?”

“I just couldn’t give you something good and then go up to the Crucible expecting to die.”

He grieved for Shepard, the life she seemed to have barely lived. He wondered if the multi-verse theory was true and if in all of the multitudinous universes there was one where she wasn’t raised as a sacrificial pawn against the Reapers.

“I didn’t though,” she said, “I saw everyone slip away and I thought maybe that was my punishment, for having the audacity to live.”

“Did you…” he couldn’t finish, he didn’t want to associate that apathy that only brought a desire for everything to end with Shepard.

“Yes,” she confessed and he pulled her close, a sharp keen brewing out of him as he pressed his head into her neck, “I almost did. Twice.”

His fingers dug a little into her waist, only releasing a bit when she shifted uncomfortably. He never wanted to let her go, never wanted to go back to that dark galaxy he lived in after Alchera.

“First after being released from the hospital, the next time I had just lost my second pregnancy,” she said, “I called Wrex. I wanted to apologise, to say something profound before the end. Instead, I asked what to do when you’ve lost everything.”

“What did he say?” he asked, remembering Wrex mentioning this.

“First you shoot something and then you try again.”

He had to thank Wrex when he could for saving Shepard’s life, though there was no way the krogan didn’t know already know how he’d helped. He was certain the first thing Shepard did was go to the shooting range, the next to her doctor’s.

“Shepard…” he wanted to say something, anything but she just grabbed his hand.

“It’s okay Garrus,” the tears began to dry on her face, Garrus gently wiping the rest away, “I know you were fighting your own battle.”

“I’m here now,” that’s all he could say, he wasn’t leaving for anything.

She smiled at him before grimacing, her shoulders tensing forward and he grasped her arm while looking around wildly. She just breathed deeply, hand resting on her stomach while she waited.

“This conversation was nice and all,” she finally huffed out, “but my water broke a while before you woke up, I’ve been having contractions. I think it’s time.”

* * *

The first thing Shepard did as she lay in the hospital bed, her legs hoisted up and apart with the doctor between them, was to grasp Garrus’ hand. He felt a bit of pride, that he could offer her some comfort through the pain. That pride went away when she squeezed it so hard he could swear he heard the plates crack.

“Spirits Shepard,” he gasped, her grip like a vice, “I think you’re trying to rip my hand off.”

“I fucking told you,” she screamed hysterically, “This baby is a demon.”

“Push,” the doctor said and Garrus readied himself, Shepard screaming a little as she squeezed his hand again.

“What the fuck have I been doing for the last few hours?” she shrieked, Garrus patting her hand with his free one, “Should have asked for the epidural.”

“But that might…” he said before being cut off, a groan of pain in his throat as she pushed again.

Then it was like the tension was cut, Shepard deflating on the bed. He looked to see a baby in the doctor’s hands, blue for a split second before it opened it’s mouth to scream and red spread across its entire body.

“I know you’re going to get mad,” the doctor said after cutting the cord connecting Shepard and her child and sending the child away with a nurse, “But I need you to push one more time.”

“Of fucking course, I have to.”

“Their first word is going to be fuck at the rate you’re going,” Garrus teased her, “and you will have deserved it.”

“Go fuck yourself Garrus,” she muttered, her legs released from their prison to lay flat against the bed as the doctor left after applying medigel to her tender parts.

“I would but I think my hand is out of commission for a while,” Garrus said, Shepard just pulling his hand to her and pressing a kiss against the broken plate.

“There we go,” she said, “Don’t you know a mother’s kiss cures anything.”

“I’m going to go ask for medigel,” he just responded dryly as he pushed himself up, “you need anything?”

“Some water. Please and thank you.”

He found the nurses station, asking the unit clerk there if he could have some medigel. She gestured a nurse over to hand him a packet, pointing him over to the food station they had in the ward when he asked where he could get water.

He made his way back to Shepard’s room with his hand blissfully numb and a cup of water in his free hand when he heard a familiar voice.

“... a fighter,” Wrex said.

“Kicking and screaming the whole way into the world,” Shepard’s voice was tender, the faint sounds of a baby gurgling as well.

“I’m back,” Garrus announced as he entered the room noticing Wrex had taken Garrus’ chair in his absence.

“I heard you got a battle wound,” the krogan laughed at him.

“And there go my dreams of being a concert pianist,” he handed the glass to Shepard, who awkwardly drank while holding the baby.

“Turns out I gave birth to a potato,” Shepard finally said, leaving the last inch of water in the glass as she set it aside, “You can take a look.”

“The infamous demon baby,” he said, adjusting his grip as Shepard rested the baby in his arms.

“It’s a girl according to everyone else,” she said with a twinkle in her eye, “I know better though, it’s definitely a potato.”

“She looks like you,” he said, his voice too tender for her to joke with him as he brushed his forehead across Shepard Jr. head.

“Looks like the two of you finally got your shit together,” Wrex said before gesturing for the girl, “Give me her Garrus.”

He hesitantly handed her over, missing the warmth as the krogan took her. Shepard passed the rest of her water to Wrex at his gesture and he wet his thumb, smearing it across her forehead as the baby’s eyebrow’s crinkled in annoyance.

The krogan spoke, his voice was guttural as he blessed the child. He congratulated the girl for enduring the Rite of Life, wishing for good aim and good sense. Shepard blinked away tears at the end of it, Wrex handing her back to Shepard.

“You don’t even know do you?” her voice was thick while pressing a kiss to her forehead, “Just how loved you are.”

And she’d never know another way to live, Garrus vowed in his mind, his heart already claimed by the tiny infant and the woman holding it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this fic and the ending. I've gotten a lot of good comments and it's honestly been really amazing to hear people enjoy this. I hope the ending is to your liking. 
> 
> I didn't specifically state it but the reason Shepard chose destroy because she saw it as the only option where she could fully die. Control would have her consciousness live forever while synthesis had her essence across the galaxy. 
> 
> I might still write more in this universe mostly because it really intrigues me. I will probably have that as it's own fic though I might write smut for these too.
> 
> Thank you again for reading.


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